I’ve witnessed many loved ones look at me with desperation as their loved one with an eating disorder tells them how they have once again triggered them. Eating disorder “triggers” (a trigger is a topic or phrase that can cause an increase in eating disordered thoughts and urges) are ever-evolving, complex, and unique to each individual. The eating disorder will embellish and distort our words so that the person with the eating disorder hears a different message that increases their eating disorder behaviors and thoughts. Topics that the eating disorder most commonly confuses and misinterprets revolve around food, weight, appearance, and exercise. Your seemingly benign comment about your own body, fullness, or food preferences may be twisted and misconstrued in a way that you would never have imagined! Treading lightly around these topics and potentially trying to avoid them all together can be beneficial and necessary early in the recovery process. So how does an eating disorder translate these comments? I thought I would highlight a few examples here.

Support says:

“Ugh, I can’t eat food from (insert restaurant name) it’s too greasy”

ED translation:

“If you eat food from there you will be fat and disgusting”

Support says:

“I haven’t eaten all day!”

ED translation:

“You shouldn’t have eaten breakfast, no one eats breakfast, but weak people like you”

Support says:

“I shouldn’t have dessert.”

ED translation:

“You’re not allowed to have dessert. Eating dessert is wrong.”

Most commonly, supports will say to me, yes that makes sense, but that’s not the real world, people are going to trigger them at work, at school, etc. so why should I avoid these topics they are going to experience anyway?

This is a good point, but it’s so much more complex than that! Think about a time when you received difficult criticism at work, with a partner, or friend. Now say that you’ve tried to shake it off and it’s not bothering you so much anymore, and you go home, and your family brings up the same topic which brings about the same flurry of negative feelings. You shake it off, and you turn on the TV and the first commercial you see brings up the same criticism and so you turn off the TV and go out for a walk, and you see an advertisement on a street sign also bringing up that same criticism. That’s a snippet into what it’s like to have an eating disorder in our society’s diet culture. We are constantly bombarded with messages that we need to watch what we’re eating or work out harder, these increase the eating disorder’s thoughts and urges and make us feel like maybe it’s not so bad to work out harder, maybe I shouldn’t be eating sugar? Why am I eating my meal plan if no one else is dieting and working out? Etc. It’s true that the world will continue to talk about dieting and exercise, but it’s very different when our homes are filled with these messages as well. People in recovery need a place where they don’t have to be on guard ready to battle triggers. It’s not possible to do this perfectly, but it is possible to try and you will definitely get better at it. It’s been 16 years since I was in treatment and my Dad still “doesn’t talk about bodies”. Which I must say is one of the sweetest ways for him to show his respect for all I’ve been through. Those comments don’t bother me anymore, but I love that he respected my recovery enough to listen to me all those years ago.

Talk to your loved one about what their triggers are and if there are things that aren’t helpful for them to hear. Ask them how they would like you to deal with slip-ups, and how you can best support them if you hear triggering topics while you are outside of the home with them. It’s a process to let go of diet culture in our everyday conversations, but I really think the world is a little better for it.