Often clients talk to me about their fears about recovery. If they recover, who will they become? If they recover what will their friends and family see when they look at them? When they recover what will they do with their free time? Who will they be if they aren’t the “fit one”? Who will they be if they aren’t the gym rat? Who will they be if they are no longer the”thin friend”?

I remember having similar feelings and fears. It felt like everyone else in my life had a superlative that perfectly explained their unique skills, aptitudes and correspondingly defined their worth as a human being. There was the dancer, the athlete, the smart one. I was convinced that I had nothing to offer the world. I was no one. I had no talents or skills that made me stand out. My identity was a blank slate just ready to be created into whatever I chose to fill it with, but this fact left me with an aching emptiness. I felt that everyone saw me as empty and pathetic, the way I felt inside.

My eating disorder came to the rescue and gave me an identity, and in the beginning, I got compliments about how “tiny” or “disciplined” I was. Those comments stuck with me; they felt like badges of honor that validated my very existence. Giving up that positive reinforcement felt like the biggest threat to my sense of self that I could imagine, but let’s play that out for a moment. Did I want my legacy on this planet to be about my size or my eating habits? Did I want my life to be minimized to a disorder?

At one point, I honestly did, but healthy Kate, who was still deep inside my soul, didn’t care about what I looked like. Healthy Kate cared about things that truly mattered, not the size I wore. I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives; I wanted to feel genuinely connected to others. I wanted to feel like I mattered. I knew that I was NEVER going to get there with my eating disorder. It was too hard for me to start a conversation in my disorder because of how self-conscious I was. It was too difficult for me to think clearly. It was too challenging for me to clear away the fog of counting calories and hurting myself to think about how I could be of service to others. It was impossible to create a new, meaningful life for myself when I couldn’t care for myself.
As I got into a groove in my recovery, I started to daydream about what I wanted my life to be. I daydreamed about where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do for fun, what kind of job I would find. I created a vision, and I worked towards it. Just one step at a time. I moved to PA. I got a part-time job. I ate my food. I felt the feelings. I went to therapy. I applied to graduate school. I started helping people. I kept eating the food. I met new friends. I fostered those relationships. Just ONE step at a time. Each meal. Each urge fought. Each time you reach out, that is a step towards the life you want.

Grab a journal, and answer these questions:
1- Where do you want to live in 5 years (country, state, city, house, décor, pets)?2- If you didn’t have your eating disorder, what would you do for fun?
3- What relationships do you want in your future, and what relationships should you leave in the past?
4- If you could do anything you wanted to make money, what would you do?
5- How do you want people to remember you? What are some small steps you could take this week/ month to work towards that legacy?
6- What do you value most? (google a values list if you need to) How can you live a life aligned with those values?

Think about these questions, journal, vision board them, manifest them. This is your life. Only you can make these things come to fruition. It will take time to manifest and create that life, but each day you have choices to move towards that life or away from that life. Do you want your legacy to be, “they were really dedicated to the gym” or “man, they wore the tiniest clothes”? Or do you want it to be something much more beautiful for that? I left behind “the skinniest girl in the room” identity for a friend who is always there and will always make you laugh, the dog Mom who loves her pets more than anything, to an authentic, wild, creative, understanding woman. I am SO much more than my body. My body allows me to be all those fabulous things, but it will never be who I am. So now it’s your turn. What are you going to choose?