I got engaged this past December and will be getting married this upcoming August.  Over the summer, I got fitted for my wedding dress and was proud of my ability to try on dresses of all different shapes and see my own beauty within them. Then, my Mom, who played a role in my eating disorder, commented about my size to the lady measuring me. I tried to let it go, but suddenly, I was a kid again with her buying my clothes that didn’t fit me in some weird body dysmorphia of me. In the car, on the way home, I mentioned the comment to her and asked her why she made it, and she said she didn’t know, and that she didn’t mean anything by it.

           I started thinking about that comment, and how for anyone struggling with body image, how wedding planning and stupid off handed comments may completely derail them. It shook me, someone, which is recovered and entered recovery 15 years ago. The wedding industry is a harsh world fueled by perfectionism and comparison that torments most. Every esthetic detail must be perfect and live up to some imaginary ideal. Every resource, both mentally, physically, and financially becomes spread thin.

            It becomes ingrained for women somewhere in our childhood that we must want to get married with all the bells and whistles. Even for someone like me, who wasn’t sure they wanted to get married, I even started falling into the spell of the wedding shoulds. I should have a wedding party (which I didn’t think I wanted originally). I should have two wedding gowns. I should have a floral archway. I should look perfect in my dress. I have been “shoulding” all over myself.

           Of course, those stressors aren’t enough; diet culture has to put it’s greedy hand in the pot of wedding planning as well. If you look at any bridal magazine or website, there are plenty of fitness and diet ads and articles to get “wedding-ready”. For anyone struggling with body image or an eating disorder, this could be an incredibly triggering experience. Yes, you want to look fantastic on your wedding day, sure, but at what cost? Are you willing to jeopardize your life, sanity or soul to lose a few pounds or have the perfect arms in your wedding dress? I wanted to write this post with a few of my tips to eliminate dieting and exercises effect on your wedding planning process.

Tip #1: Your fiancé already loves what you look like!

           Hopefully, if you’re engaged, you have found someone who knows you inside and out and loves the real you. Your partner is engaged to you, not because of what you could look like. They’re engaged to you because they love you! Think about it in reverse, if your partner struggles with body image and wants to lose weight, what would you say to them? How can you say that to yourself?

Tip #2: You want to be able to look back and remember the day, not starving or an exercise routine

           If you have had an eating disorder or even dieted, you know that when you are malnourished and obsessed with food and body, you look back on your life and see a fog of random memories of what you ate and how you got away with using your eating disordered behaviors. The food takes over. That will happen again on your wedding day! Do you want to look back on the day and remember all the love and details that you’ve worked so hard to put together, or do you want to remember what you ate or didn’t eat and how you left your rehearsal dinner early to work out? This will be the most memorable experience of your life, do you want to be present for it? Or do you want to be numbed out and clouded by an eating disorder?

Tip #3: Play the story out

           If you decide to lose some weight or “tone” your body, what will the end result be? If you’ve had an eating disorder, more than likely, the end result won’t be those goals. The end result will be some disordered eating nightmare that goes above and your goals. Your wedding planning and wedding experience will be high jacked by your eating disorder. Your eating disorder will make the experience more about the relationship you have with your ED than your relationship with your fiancé. This is simply unacceptable! You are getting married to your partner, not your mental illness, kick ED to the curb and get intune with your partner.

Tip #4: Focus on what’s more important

           When you think about your wedding, what is more, important to you? Is it that you have the smallest waist possible? Or is it that you feel the love between you and your fiancé? Is it about how you will spend the night bingeing on wedding cake in the wedding suite? Or is it that you can be fully present with your family and friends? 

Tip #5: Ask your fiancé and close friends and family for support

           If you feel the pull to buy into diet culture’s thoughts about weddings, talk about it! Tell your partner that you are feeling yourself getting pulled into the diet culture web and what you need to help yourself break free from it. Let them know that it would be helpful to be reminded of why they think your attractive or the things they are looking forward to the wedding day. Seeing things from their perspective could be the grounding force you need. If you feel pressure from friends or family to lose weight or get “wedding-ready,” let them know that those comments aren’t helpful, and it’s not beneficial for you to hear them. Remind them that you know they are coming from a supportive and even exciting place, but it’s not helpful for you at this time! The more you ignore these comments, the more they will grow and trigger you moving forward.

           Weddings are incredibly stressful and time-consuming, but they are meant to be a time to celebrate the love you have found with your partner and their ability to accept and love you for you, not your body or the body you wish you had. If you need support from friends, family, or a therapist or dietitian, do not be afraid to reach out; losing your footing in recovery or being pulled back into the ED will never be worth the size of your dress or suit or whatever fabulous thing you’re planning to wear!