Dear 17-year-old Kate,

On October 10, 2005, you’re going to walk into the doors of a treatment center completely terrified. They are going to ask you to do things that petrify your eating disorder. Right now, these things seem impossible, but know they will help you. They are going to ask you to speak up. They are going to ask you to be yourself. They are going to ask you to open your mind up to new ideas and concepts. And yes, they are going to ask you to eat cherry pie. Try not to think about the pie. Just do it! And honestly, Kate, you like desserts, and you need to learn how to eat them without bingeing or using food rituals, so take a deep breath and do it!

Keep your mind open and soak it all up. Treatment is your chance to learn that there is more to life than food. There is more to life than your body. And that you have more to offer those around you than being selfless and thin. No one cares what you look like! No one that matters cares if you do their homework for them or you go along with whatever nonsense they’re saying. If you think people care and they want you to do things for them and be someone you’re not, they really don’t deserve you. You are going to meet friends, some of which you have today, that will be there for you through it all, that will continue to love you and think you’re wonderful regardless of what you do for them and regardless of what you look like. You will find a partner who treats you well. He doesn’t scream or yell, and he will love you at any weight! 

You will learn that your body is healthy and powerful and can move mountains for others with your words. You will be unstoppable when you are well. Your life will not revolve around food, exercise, or weight. In the future, you won’t even own a scale or care what that number reads! You will be FREE of this. And no, that doesn’t mean you have “let yourself go” and are miserable! It means that you are living a life where you are present in the world. You will eventually live a life where you are able to laugh with your whole body, not just fake it while you think about what you can’t eat later. You will be able to walk around and not feel self-conscious, not always worried that others are judging your body. You will be able to speak up for what is right and be heard. You will be yourself without apologies. You will create art and will continue writing. You will be free to sing in the car as loud as humanely possible. You will be able to be your silliest self, go on adventures, and enjoy meals with friends without a second thought. You will truly, truly be yourself.

I know you are terrified. I know you hate yourself, but guess what, Kate! You aren’t as bad as your brain is telling you! You will never be this shy or socially anxious again. You will begin to like yourself! You will see how funny you are, and you will see how giving you can be; you will see that just because you aren’t the best math student DOES not mean you are dumb; you will learn to see just how brilliant you are! And guess what, you are intelligent in all the ways that matter. You will help so many people with your experiences and your wisdom. You will be able to offer insight and show love to people who have never experienced them. You will learn to master your demons and help people battle their own. You will be wildly and gratefully happy for the life you have. I promise. Believe that. Don’t rush your healing, take your time and learn as much as you can, stop being the perfect patient and be honest with your team, so you can get the support you need, and you will learn so much to help your future clients, some of whom aren’t even born yet! Your eating disorder is not your life, but the strength you find while fighting it will become your superpower. You are kind, funny, smart, creative, and unique, and SOMEDAY, you will believe those things. I promise. Hold on. This, too, shall pass.

PS- You end up living in Texas with four dogs and your fiance, yeah, I know it’s shocking, but you actually love your life. And we’re gonna get back to the east coast someday. Promise!

Love,

32- year- old Kate