I am 30 years old. I have overcome plenty of challenges. I’ve raised 3 crazed dogs. A boyfriend I have been with for nearly 7 years. I’m in recovery from alcoholism and heroin addiction. I completed college and graduate school. I recently moved my life to Texas where I know no one. I have overcome traumatic experiences. And yet, I have NEVER done anything as challenging as recovering from an eating disorder (ED). Nothing compares.

Recovery is about doing the opposite of what your brain is screaming at you, every fucking day. Nonstop. It is waring with yourself and betraying your best friend (the eating disorder) every single decision you make every single day. It is relentless, painful, time consuming, and torturous.

But if it wasn’t hard as hell, it wouldn’t be worth it and you could go back to your eating disorder anytime you wanted. If it wasn’t hard as hell you wouldn’t chose to stay in recovery and eventually fully recover because it would be easy to step in and out of. The sheer pain and torture make it no longer an option. In recovery you begin to see the ED for what it really is, a liar. A life sucker. A murderer. The further you go in recovery the more you realize that you no longer need it or want it in your life. You can find the gift of desperation and truly see just how unmanageable and depressive your existence has become.

You begin to want and crave freedom. And that craving can help you get back in touch with your soul, who you really are at your core. I remember in treatment a counselor told me about her weekend and how she went out with friends to buy shoes. The idea that people would go out to shop for shoes with friends was so out of my realm of normal. I was enslaved to my mind, I didn’t have time to go out with friends and shop! I had to hate myself, religiously count calories, and plan what I was and wasn’t going to eat over and over and over again. This was a light bulb moment! I wanted to be able to do normal things like this. I wanted to be able to be care free enough to go out and buy shoes and interact with friends and not be stuck in my head all the time.

I finally realized. My eating disorder was holding me back from everything in life. That’s where the journey starts and you start taking small steps towards your own freedom. When you start to dream, create, and build a life worth living, this is the journey. It’s not just about eating several times a day and keeping it. It’s about freedom from obsession, the bondage of self, and freedom to explore who you really are! Through my own recovery I learned things I never would have learned otherwise, which is why, I am grateful for my ED it took me through the darkest parts of myself and ultimately helped me unearth my brightest light.

Today, I like who I am (despite my ADHD brain and verbose personality, things I hated growing up)! I can genuinely care for myself and help others along the way. Recovery is the journey that makes life worth it and I am proud to call myself a recovered individual, because people with eating disorders are among the smartest, most creative, most talented individuals and I am honored to be among them.