My entire eating disorder goal was to die from Anorexia. My teenaged self asked my parents to let me pursue a modeling career, where whittling away to nothing would be required, and I could be somewhat productive as I slowly killed myself. I had no plans of living long; I prayed God would let me die. There was nothing I wanted more than to slowly drift off into a fatal existence of eating disorder oblivion. At that time there was no way I would have believed my life could be renewed; that I could have a life that wasn’t filled with calories, scales, and self- hatred. There was absolutely zero percent chance I would have believed I could recover and, at the time, zero percent of me wanted to.

This is where being a therapist is difficult for me at times. Clients come to see me everyday who absolutely believe the same thing. They are hopeless. They will never recover. They want to be left to their own devices. But if I believed the same thing and I made it, there is no reason that they can’t too! Clients never believe me, which is frustrating. Do they not believe I felt the same way? If I felt that way, and they feel that way, maybe there’s something to that?!?!

Eating disorders are tricky! They often want us to believe that our purpose and identity is our eating disorder and without that we are nothing. I like to think of the eating disorder as a parasite. It needs you to think that you can’t survive without it, because without that mentality, it simply can’t survive! The eating disorder works over time to convince you that, sure, others can recover, but you aren’t like everyone else! You are too far gone, too alone, too hopeless, too ugly, too useless to ever give up your eating disorder, the thing that takes the edge off all those painful thoughts. A colleague of mine, at Monte Nido, said, “You all think you’re unicorns, but really you’re just horses with carrots on your heads.” You’re not special because you have an eating disorder! A mom in a family group years ago once said to her daughter, “You know, your eating disorder is not the most interesting thing about you!” This has stuck with me. So many of my clients believe their eating disorders are their most valuable attribute, when in fact the eating disorder is the thing that is truly dulling their spirit, their talents, and their unique, authentic self!

If you think about what you are truly being called to do by the universe, by a higher power, by your family and friends, there is so much more to you than your eating disorder! Your eating disorder has hijacked your life; it’s not who you are! In my eating disorder I thought I was stupid, ugly, a loner and worthless. In recovery I have found my true self. I am creative, fun loving, a people person, intuitive, a problem solver, and a healer. I had no idea that if I cleared away the cobwebs of the thing that was killing me, I could find life beyond my wildest dreams.

Your eating disorder does not make you special; your authentic self makes you special! You can recover, even if you’re convinced you cannot. Remember, the eating disorder has brain washed you to believe you are a lost cause and dependent on your eating disorder, but in reality you are not damned to this existence. You have simply been highjacked to believe these things! Each step you take towards your healthy self is one step closer to uncovering your authentic path and who you truly are!